The Amazing Dovarini
(Fade in. Weak applause from the audience, which consists of small children, very old people, and a few firefighters. Pause. Everyone looks expectantly at stage right. People shuffle in their seats)

(After an uncomfortable pause, The Amazing Dovarini enters, top hat and all, trying to act suave despite a stiff suit, overstuffed with doves. Light applause. No one says anything, but you can tell that the word "applause" makes them think of "apple sauce." Hunger burns in their eyes.)

(Pause.)

(Dovarini takes off his top hat to show the audience there's nothing in it, then makes a lame gesture, then "Tada!")

(Pause.)

(Nothing magical happens, just intense fluttering and sickly coos from Dovarini's sleeves and pants. He shakes his clothes violently, smiling through it to keep his composure. No doves. The audience starts to get restless, first booing, then hissing, then making unflattering similes. Inevitably, they pelt Dovarini with cups of applesauce.)

DISSOLVE TO:

(Dovarini leaving the kindergarten/nursing home/fire department, distraught and head low. He reaches into his coat for a flask and a dove bites him. This happens a few times before he gets the flask and takes a long swig, then stumbles toward his Toyota Camry.)

CUT TO:

(Dovarini trying to merge on the freeway. He notices a cobweb on his rearview mirror, so he rolls down his window to clear it, and a dove escapes. It flies out above the freeway and disappears into the clouds. There is no freedom here, only confusion and loss. Dovarini rolls up the window and creeps into traffic.)

CUT TO:

(Dovarini eating dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant, alone. As he reaches for the Parmesan, a dove climbs out of his jacket and starts pecking at his lasagna. He tries to shoo it away, and it flutters into the candle, catching fire. The waiter steps in with a fire extinguisher on a silver platter. Dovarini takes it, sprays, puts out the dove, and slumps back into his chair. As Dovarini finishes weeping, something catches his eye. A woman with a green scarf sits across the room, eyes on him. Let's call her Grace. She waves. As Dovarini waves back, another dove escapes, flies across the room and lands on her soup spoon. She laughs.

(Grace stands up and walks over to Dovarini, balancing the dove on the spoon, and offering the spoon to Dovarini. He smiles sheepishly and accepts. Dovarini gestures to the chair across from him. Grace laughs, throws back her head and laughs as if God has been blue in the face from holding back the punch line, as if The Divine Mystery just slipped out after one too many hot buttered rums. She sits. )

(Dovarini leans in over the candlelight, Grace leans in over the candlelight. It looks like Dovarini's heart is beating out of his rib cage, but really it's just a dove escaping. With a flourish, Dovarini produces a dove with a red rose in its beak. As Grace reaches out to take the rose, the sleeve of her blouse billows, and a turtle crawls out. Grace laughs. Dovarini laughs. The turtle and the dove move in together, and their children inspire Christmas carols around the globe.)

(Fade out)



© copyright Jeremy Richards 2002